Why?

This is probably one of the first questions to cross parents' minds after their child is diagnosed with a pervasive developmental disorder (PDD) like autism, ADHD or Aspergers.

I know it was mine.

Sadly, tragically, this is the one thing no one can tell us. Not yet.

Books and doctors are quick to assure us that PDD is not caused by bad parenting. But apart from that, no one has a clue about what causes it.

For a parent, this is excruciating. To not know what we could have done differently, what we could have done to prevent this from happening to our child, what we could have done to stop it from stealing our children away from us. Or was there no hope from the beginning? Was our child's fate sealed from Day One?

Not that there is any lack of theories out there. Genetics. Toxic materials. Pollution. Fetal brain development. Diet. Vaccines and immunizations. Difficult pregnancies or births. Scientific brains. Having scientists as parents. These have all been linked to autism and/or PDD in general. I've read article after article (even a whole book) on many of these scientific hunches, not knowing what I was looking for. Was I looking for vindication? A chance to lash back at someone for what is happening to my son? Or was I looking for absolution? A way to secretly forgive myself for not being able to protect him from all this?

It's not my fault, I know. But it's never been easy to remember that, especially during the first year after B's diagnosis. Was I to blame? Did I let him down? Could I have prevented this?

And each time there was a new study on the causes of autism, I'd be there, poring through the article, backtracking through related readings, trying to see things through eyes of logic and science while bleeding from an open wound in a parent's heart. It was never easy, this research, this quest to find answers. The legwork itself was not what made it hard. Rather, it was the new arrows that sometimes pierced to the gut with each new read, with each new study, with each new theory. It was rare for me to be able to get through a medical journal or news article about autism without bursting into tears in mid-read.

Thankfully, though, my search for answers was quickly overshadowed by my desire to actively do something for B. The WHY can wait, I said. The WHAT CAN I DO NOW can not.

So my research shifted from autism causes to actual intervention methods, things for both parents and specialists to do. It was a hundred percent shift in my paradigm, this decision to find out WHAT MUST BE DONE NOW rather than WHO DO I BLAME FOR THIS.

And it has yielded results which were even better than we expected; I don't care if medical experts deem my words blasphemous, but I dare to say that our son is recovering, day by glorious day, from ASD. My husband O and I had almost forgotten about our search for the WHY.

Until last Friday. Without looking for it, without seeking it, a fearsome bit of truth came our way. How it came to us was serendipitous-- a blessing from heaven, or just plain luck, I suppose. One of those "bad" things that turn out for good in the end.

It came in the form of this article found on the Web:

http://www.commongroundcommonsense.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=31674

Read it, fellow parents, if you can. Or if you dare. I myself could not bring myself to finish it in one sitting. After several paragraphs, I found myself needing to push myself back from the computer and mentally scream in anger and frustration, like many of the readers who left comments at the end of the piece. If you have a child with ASD or any PDD, or if you know and care about someone who does, read it.

I'm still trying to collect myself right now. My mind is in a whirl. More on this tomorrow.