TCVs: Forgiven But Not Forgotten

My husband O and I have now come to terms with the part which TCVs (Thimerosal-Containing Vaccines) may or may not have played in triggering our son B's autism. This doesn't mean we have resigned ourselves to the past, but that we have found blessed and empowering peace amidst the violent turmoil of our recent discovery. Peace that, as Scripture says, "transcends all understanding."

We have decided that, no matter how much we may regret or feel badly about the past, we simply cannot change things just by wailing about it, and any more undue anguish would be a complete and foolish waste of energy and emotion on our part. Our conviction now is that we have been serendipitously led to this bit of crucial information in order to help share it with other parents, to perhaps prevent more children to be affected by TCVs as our son has been. So again, once more, we find ourselves focusing all our thought and power into doing what we can within our circle of influence. Instead of merely feeling bitter and vindictive, we have decided to do something constructive and mitigating about it.

First off, contrary to what I said in an earlier entry, O was quick to point out that at the time he first told me about TCVs, he hadn't yet read any medical journals, just the one that he saw on http://www.commongroundcommonsense.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=31674, so he wanted me to correct that here on the blog, in case anyone was misled. But what HAS happened since then is that he NOW HAS already researched medical and scientific journals on this topic, reading through research abstracts and emailing authors asking for a complete copy of their research findings. Within the same day of his request, many authors graciously sent him a copy of their work!

So now we DO have copies of these medical and scientific articles in our possession, thanks to the generosity of the authors. We are in the process of reading and understanding them, and believe me, the jargon's not too easy to get past. As much as we want to post them all on a website and make these findings available for everyone who wants to read them, we need to consider: 1) getting copyright permission from all the publishers first, 2) how to go about putting up a website dedicated solely for this topic , and 3) if it would be pointless to post the articles as they are, since they wouldn't make much sense to the ordinary parent, or if it would be better to "translate" it, so to speak, into common layman's terms before posting them, or to make both versions available on the website. To have FAQs or something, with questions like "But why does the FDA or BFAD allow it to be distributed?" or "What do we have to look for on vaccine labels?"

Another thing I've realised is that, if we're going to wage war on TCVs, emotions and rhetoric are not exactly the weapons of choice. We have to get hard facts, straight science, solid evidence, credible research. We have to be careful not to sound like rumor-mongers or hysterical parents paranoid about speculative fears. Otherwise our words will simply echo in the vast wastes of cyberspace as just one of those crazy forwarded emails which we too often get in our inbox each day. And more children would remain under the TCV threat, as this happens.

No, we've decided to be smart about this, to plan things out, to be thorough. To channel our anger and disgust into something effective and credible. As Barbra Streisand and Dionne Warwick once sang, "we won't waste another tear..."

And we won't be doing this for ourselves or our sons, really, as here in the UK, parents already have the freedom to choose non-TCVs when having their newborns or toddlers immunised. We will be doing it for all those children and their parents who are at risk from TCVs, in Third World countries, probably, where these supplies must be easier to dump, and where TCV-alternatives might not yet be available. We will be doing it so other parents would not have to go through what we went through. But I won't cry about it anymore, not here on this blog, anyway. Any offers of moral support or help or advice are welcome, by the way.

When I think about what may have caused B's autism, what triggered it, what pushed him into the spectrum, I'm more and more drawn towards the theory that it wasn't one single event or stimulus which was to blame. Rather, drawing from what I have learned in studying the environment, I am more inclined to study the whole system, the whole picture, holistically. There were things in B's system which perhaps already predisposed him or made him vulnerable to autism, but there were probably many other outside factors (TCVs? Measles at age 8 months? Other environmental toxins?) which helped him coast along quickly over the edge, tipping things over from predisposition into reality. All of these, taken as a whole, resulted in B's autism.

So if I have seemed to move on, be thankful for me, because I have. I have moved on and forgiven the monsters behind TCVs, made peace with my son's kidnappers and abusers. I have moved on and moved forward, determined to act, to tell, to fight. But I have not moved on and forgotten what TCVs may have taken from me and my family.

For as long as B is here to remind me, I will not forget. Ever.