To My Unborn Child

Five months and already you are kicking like a horse. Sometimes I wonder if you can hear me sing to you at night, or if you feel the quiet depth of our love for you when your Tatay hugs and kisses you in my tummy. Five months a miracle. Five months a gift.

You are a child of love, friendship and unity. Your Tatay and I were wed in a beautiful chapel overlooking Mt. Batulao in Caleruega, Batangas on a perfect day in May 1999. When your Tatay and I looked in each other’s eyes and promised to love one another, and be partners and bestfriends forever, we also promised to love and care for the children God will bless us with. You are our first blessing, Anak.

Five months after our wedding, your Tatay and I felt the need to get away from the pressures of work and study by going on a quiet, peaceful second honeymoon. I had been feeling tired and queasy the past days, and as we boarded the early morning flight to Kalibo, my eyes were watery from trying not to puke on your Tatay. We looked at each other, neither of us willing to voice out the hope which both of us were desperately wishing for. It was on our first night in Boracay when we decided to use the pregnancy test kit we had brought from Manila. We took the one-minute test, and since neither of us wanted to look first, we both closed our eyes, counted to three and peeked at the same time. And there it was. I never knew that a little pink “+” has such power as to move two reasonably sane adults to laugh and weep themselves silly at the same time.

In between headaches and frequent visits to the bathroom sink, I watched my body change as you grew. One time, as I prayed for you in my womb, God led me to Psalm 139: “You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.” And I felt tears well up inside as I felt God say to you, Anak: “I know you, because I made you. Even now, while you are still inside your nanay’s womb, I see you, and I love you.” You are His child, Anak, just as your Tatay and I are. And He loves you more than we ever could. He thinks about you all the time, too.

God has been teaching me a lot during my pregnancy. About me, about your Tatay, about you, about Us. And now, while you are still inside me, Anak, I feel God leading me to make this covenant with you:

1. I love and accept you unconditionally, with no ifs or buts, for who you are, and who you are yet to become. You will never, ever have to earn or merit my love.

2. I will let you be who God wants you to be. I will not stand in the way of His love for you, for God has no grandchildren, and you are yourself a child of God. Let Him call your heart as He pleases.

3. I will let you be different from me. I will not pressure or manipulate you to be like me, or to be who I think you ought to be. I will let you be yourself. I will not smother your identity as a unique person in this world.

4. I will allow you to get hurt sometimes, for I know you need a little pain every now and then in order to grow. I will go through the pain with you, but I will not deprive you of your growth.

5. I will be generous to you and provide what you need, but I will also take care not to impose or cultivate unnecessary, artificial needs in your sense of values. I will teach you to live simply and to desire less, to be grateful for what you have, and to be generous with your blessings to others who are in greater need.

6. I will be consistent in how I relate with you, so as to spare you from confusion and distress. I will pay attention to how I behave in your presence. I will seek harmony and integrity and wholeness, so that you need only relate to ONE nanay, and not three.

7. I will listen to you, even when I want to interrupt or advise or react. I will hear you out, and empathize, and understand.

8. I will not tolerate, ignore or cement dependencies in our family relationships. I will teach you what I have learned about “being separate together,” and I will strive to make my relationship with your Tatay a model of healthy interdependence.

9. I will cut the umbilical cord not just physically, but psychologically, when the appropriate time comes. I will do this while keeping my arms open for you. You will always be welcome to be child-like with me, even when you already have children of your own.

10. I will play with you.

11. I will hug you very often.

12. I will be your friend and companion, your mother and mentor.

13. I will explore life with you and help you face your fears, even as I continue to face my own.

14. I will let you make mistakes in freedom. I will counsel you, but I will not judge you when you err. I will be generous in compassion to you, even when your mistakes hurt me or the ones I love. But I will also be firm against wrongdoing or malice. I will not be silent about sin or displeasing God.

15. If you have to be punished, I will make clear to you why what you did was wrong. I will never strike you in anger. I will discipline you with tough love and firm conviction, in a way that would never undermine your self-worth or dignity.

16. I will let you love me. I will accept your service and affection with joy and gratitude.

17. I will rejoice in your personhood and delight in your identity.

18. I will laugh with you, and never at you. I will share jokes with you and create an atmosphere of laughter in our home. I will caution you against taking yourself too seriously.

19. I will read you stories at bedtime no matter how old you are. I will sing to you and teach you to love music and words and images and stories. I will nurture your innate creativity. I will encourage you to learn.

20. I will be honest with you, and even be vulnerable to you. I will tell you when I do not know the answer to your questions, and I will be humble enough to admit that I am not perfect and do not know everything.

21. I will trust you. I know that you will not deliberately hurt me or be dishonest with me. Whether you are six or sixteen, I will trust you.

22. I will be quietly, privately proud of you, and I will make certain that you know it. But I will not embarrass you by showing you off to my friends or gloating about your accomplishments. We will celebrate your victories as a family, and we will share your dreams with you. You will never be treated like a trophy.

23. I will love myself in a healthy way, so that I am better able to love you and your Tatay selflessly. I will maintain my identity and not ride under the shadow of yours. It will be my service to you to preserve who I am, so that you can also be freely assured of who you are. I will always aim for personal growth.

24. I will endeavor to lead you to know God in a personal and intimate way. I will pray with you and help you become a citizen of heaven.

25. I will always keep in mind that you are not mine, but God’s.

Your Tatay and I want you to know just how much we want you, and how much we love you. We can hardly wait for the day when we will finally hold you in our arms.

And though it sounds desperately trite, I still choose to say it, for it is the truth:

Anak, our precious little one, your Tatay and I love you very deeply, as we have never loved anyone else before. Our love for you will never change, nor waver. And Anak, just as our own Mama & Papa and Mommy & Daddy have done in their time, so will your Tatay and I gladly give our lives for you.

Love,
Nanay

{Written 17 March 2000, while awaiting the birth of B}