AM and PM

"Nanay," B jumped on my bed and announced very early this morning, "I think I know what AM and PM mean."

B was home from school today because he had been sick yesterday, and I wanted to keep him under observation for 24 hours and make sure he doesn't throw up anymore. He was lethargic and had no appetite at all last night, but thank God, he seemed perfectly fine this morning, and was his usual bubbly, curious self.

"AM," he continued, "stands for at morning, and PM means past morning!!!" He then looked at me triumphantly.

I laughed with astonished delight and amusement at his logic and creativity. It actually does make sense, right? And he obviously came up with that answer spontaneously, as a result of his own reflections. TeacherNanay-mode kicked in, however, and I knew I had to step in and tell him the truth. But still, I couldn't help but hug him as I explained the concept of the prime meridian line, Greenwich Mean Time, and the real meaning of AM (ante-meridian) and PM (post-meridian).

After I gave him my brief explanation, though, I must confess that I like B's interpretation much, much better! And I told him just that!

On the Author, the Narrator, the Solar System and the Year Ahead

"You know, Nanay," said B to me knowingly over dinner last night, ending with a dramatic flourish, "tomorrow is the last day of 2007!"

"Uh-huh," I smiled through my mouthful of left-over Christmas pasta, "and then, what's the day after that?"

"The first day of 2008!!!!" he exclaimed triumphantly.

After a brief, scholarly, somewhat one-sided discussion (mostly with B on the talking end) on what a year means in astronomy, how long it takes for each of the planets to circle the sun and spin itself round, what the new solar system now looks like, the new dwarf planets Eris and Ceres, and so forth, I managed to steer the conversation back to more earth-related matters, and talk about the year ahead. Now it was my turn to start with a "you know" statement.

"You know, B," I said. "I bet God has a terrific plan for us in 2008. Just like the books that we've read and the stories you've written, there's a fantastic ending He's planned for us, a great plot in store for all His children that only He knows. It's like a Great Big Secret that only He knows, and we discover more and more of what He's written in our story each day. He's the Writer, the Author of the story of our lives, and now He wants us to turn to page 2008 on New Year's Day with excitement and anticipation!"

"And," B added in agreement, "God is also the Narrator of our story, Nanay, just like in that Winnie the Pooh movie where Tigger and Pooh could talk to the Narrator and he talks back? And the Narrator could narrate them all out of sticky situations, like when Tigger was stuck up in a tree and couldn't bounce down, and the Narrator narrated him down safely by tilting the page!"

"That's exactly right, B," I replied, seizing the opportunity for a teaching moment. "And we do that all the time, too! We talk to the Narrator and Author of our story all the time and when we're still and we listen very carefully, we can hear Him narrating us through each page. When we're lost or stuck, He can narrate us out of anything! Do you know another name for talking to the Narrator, B?"

"What?" asked B with open curiosity.

So I said in mock horror, "What? You don't know? But you do it every night! I bet you know already." I then pretended to chew my dinner very carefully, taking my time, sipping my water.

It was easy to see that he was hooked on the topic and couldn't take the suspense any more without needing to make a dash for the bathroom. So I stopped teasing him, looked him in the eye and whispered, "Prayer, B. Whenever we pray, all we are really doing is talking to God as our Narrator and Author."

"Oh, yeah," said B with dawning realisation. "I'm excited to turn the page and see what He's written for us in 2008, Nanay. I can't wait!"

"Me, too, B!" I answered, and meant it with my whole heart.

B's Letter to Santa

Found this today on B's study table, written in purple marker on half a sheet of toilet paper:

"Dear Santa,

I like presents. Please give me a toy aeroplane, a battery operated train set, a box of toy cars and a wooden train set on Christmas.

Love from B."

Any takers, Ninongs and Ninangs?

Hehehe, just kidding :) While others his age have been overheard talking about who to ask out to go to the Christmas disco or are nagging their parents about the latest video games and equipment, our dear B, at 7, is still a little child, an uncomplicated boy who truly believes in the simple magic of Christmas.

For this, I am indescribably grateful.

Stay as sweet and as simple as you are, B. Hang on to your childhood.

For as long as you possibly can.

Please?

B's Spelling List For The Week

1. garden

2. smart

3. starlight

4. parliament ( I am NOT making this up!)

5. sparkle

6. particular

7. narrator

8. molar

9. calendar

10. popular

11. similar

12. cardinal

Some of these words I only learned in high school! What schools teach seven-year-olds nowadays!

Self-Censoring...

Yes, it sucks, having to censor myself from posting everything I want on B's blog. Or rather, on this very-repressed mom-blog for B. Only, I want to protect his privacy, his safety, his security and to keep his young life out of the bloglight, but I do want to share about his daily triumphs and challenges, to support and encourage other parents of ASD kids out there. Been careful, too, not to let this mom-blog become too much of a mom-blog. I get irritated with myself when I catch my nanay persona "blagging" (a word I've coined for bragging on a blog) and I end up just deleting an entry instead of publishing it. Perfectly normal for a mom to want to brag about their kids, but I have always been a non-conformist. Even in the area of being a mother, I do not want to conform. I do not want to be like other moms! I do not want to show my sons off! I do not want to parade them about and tell the world how wonderful they are, even if it's true! Hahaha, this is just a semi-serious rant, just in case you're wondering.
But seriously, I know how exquisitely annoying mom-blogs can be because I've sadly been both an annoyer and an annoyee myself, and I've quietly told myself to be less of an annoyer in future, to lessen all the existing annoyance in the world.
Well, let's see if I can stop self-censoring enough to get blogging about B and E again.

B's Saviour

Yesterday evening after tea, as the winter sun reluctantly said goodnight, B read out The Toddlers Bible Easter Book (by V. Gilbert Beers) to me and E as we all snuggled in his cosy bedroom.

As he read and pointed out the pictures, I was amazed and thankful at how much he already knew about what Jesus went through during Holy Week:

B: Look, Nanay. That's Jesus riding a donkey on Palm Sunday! When do we get to wave palms at Jesus, too?

Me: Why, this coming Sunday in Church! Isn't that exciting? But we just get little-bitty cross-shaped palms over here, not like the nice swishy ones we had in the Philippines.

B: When we go to visit the Philippines, can we have a swishy palm to wave to Jesus?

Me: Of course, B! Each of us will have a swishy palm on Palm Sunday! You know when I miss home the most? It's during Holy Week... Someday, we will be able to have Holy Week in the Philippines again.

B: Okay... (then moving on to the next story) Jesus had a special supper with His friends here... Nanay, Jesus says here, "Remember Me, Remember how I will die for you.." (Then he paused, thinking.) Is He talking to them or to us?

Me: To us, B, to all of us. He wants us to remember Him, and that's what we do when we go to Communion in church, when you cross your arms over your chest and stand in the queue, even if the priest isn't allowed to give you the host yet.

B: And Jesus is IN the bread, right, Nanay. And someday I will also get to eat Jesus Bread, too!

Me: That's right, B, next year you'll be eating Jesus Bread, too.

Then B read us several more stories, until we finally got to the part where Jesus dies on the Cross... This was a tricky part, a part he almost always skipped because the images and descriptions of Jesus dying and suffering on the Cross made him feel sad and upset... He always avoided looking at the nails or talking about Jesus' wounds... So this time, I watched him closely, curious about whether he would skip or read on.

To my surprise, B read on.

B: See here, Nanay. Jesus is wearing a crown of thorns, it's not a real crown, and it's painful... It says here, "Jesus wants to help us live with God in heaven. When we sin, we can't go there. But Jesus died to take away our sin. He wants to be our Saviour. He will if we ask. Will you ask Him?"

At this point, B stopped and appeared to be considering the question. And I suddenly felt the Spirit gently nudging me to give my son a gentle nudge, as well. So I did.

Me: B, do you want to ask Jesus to be your Saviour?

B: Yes... (And without waiting for me to say anything more, he immediately turned to talk to Jesus right there, as any child would.) Jesus, will You please be my Saviour? (Then he paused a bit, looking up at the ceiling.) Thank You, Jesus. Amen.

In my heart, I rejoiced! At age 6, B's simple prayer might not technically be considered a turning point, a dramatic "conversion experience" but I am certain, deep in my heart of hearts, that the Lord HAS heard B's prayer, and that He was pleased with it, and will honour it and remember it. I'm sure that B's whole heart was in that prayer, and I simply know that Jesus saw into B's soul like no one else can, and just loved him, loved him, loved him. I felt my tears welling up and pricking my eyes, but somehow I managed to keep them from falling until after I tucked him in and kissed him goodnight.

Oh, B, last night, on the 30th of March 2007, whether you knew it or not, you gave your life for the first time to Jesus. And whether or not you understood everything your prayer means, I'm sure Jesus will teach you, day by day, as you grow in His love. He heard you, He saw what was in your young heart, and He will be your Saviour from now on.

One of my favourite saints, St. Therese of Lisieux, once said that "prayer is an aspiration of the heart, a simple glance directed to heaven..." and that "like a child... [she says] very simply to God what [she wishes] to say, without composing beautiful sentences, and He always understands [her]." This is what you did last night, B, you sent a simple, childlike glance of love towards heaven, and you asked Jesus in the simplest words possible that He be your Saviour. And I believe, and I know, that Jesus heard your perfect, beautiful prayer last night.

Jesus heard my prayer, too, when I was just 14, and although I was still very young then, my prayer mattered to Him, too. He met me where I was, and brought me to where I am now, starting with and because of that prayer. I just know in my gut that He will do the same with you. Jesus is YOUR Saviour now, B, simply because you asked Him.

And I commit myself to you and your brother E, to be your guide and your companion as you discover Jesus' love, to be as good a witness as I humanly can be, to help you nurture the intimate relationship you're already starting to have with the Lord. As your mother, I can do no greater thing than to bring you and E to Jesus. More than just caring for your needs or teaching you to be clever in school, your Tatay and I are called to be your first links to God, your first evangelizers, your first experience of Church on earth. When you get older, it won't matter to us if you become rich, successful, famous or accomplished in the eyes of men. What will matter to us is if Jesus is still in your heart, if you love Him and if you are trying your best to love as He loves. And in the end, that is all that really matters.

What you did last night will stay with me for the rest of my life, B. You are such an inspiration to me. You are teaching me how it is to please the Lord, with childlike simplicity and a readiness to embrace what Jesus gives, no questions asked, no ifs or buts, no fancy words or fireworks. It gives me hope in my own walk with the Lord. Believe it or not, at your tender age, B, you are a shining example to me. My own little saint-in-the-making.

How wonderful it is that Jesus loves us all, and wants to be our Saviour, whether we are six or sixty-four.

Nanay at Work

"When will you go to work, Nanay?" asked B as I cut his fingernails before school this morning. "When will you have some work to do?"

Too early, Lord, I said to myself as I tried to come up with an appropriate reply. Too early in the morning and too early in his life to start asking me these questions!

I found I had nothing to say, so I remained silent. Luckily, Tatay O was there to catch the ball in the air.

"Nanay already has work, B. She works very hard in the house."

"On the computer?" B persisted.

"Not just that. She takes care of all of us. She teaches your brother, she cooks us delicious food, she washes your clothes, cleans up your mess, helps you with homework, takes care of our money, collects you from school... Nanay is very good at her work. We should thank her for what she does for us."

That seemed to do the trick. B seemed to digest that for a few minutes before launching into another of his early-morning topics.

Relieved, I smiled at O gratefully for saving me from having to come up with a convincing reply to B's question.

Because it's one that has been weighing on my mind for a while now, that question. In fact, it sort of stung a bit to hear it said out loud, but since it came from B, I knew his motives were pure.

And the answer to that question is--- well, B, I wish I knew.

I wish I knew.

Desperate

"Nanay," breathed B as he thumped up the stairs, "I'm desperate."

I did my best to keep up behind him, anxious to learn what he meant by "desperate" and where he had learnt such a grown-up word.

"What does desperate mean, B?" I asked.

"It means," said B, opening the stairgates and rushing through the first door on the landing, "that I need to go to the loo."

And without a backward glance, he was shutting the bathroom door behind him, leaving his nanay silently giggling with mirth.

Homesick

B, as usual, climbed into bed with me as he woke up this morning. He was happy and cheerful, at first, but as he listened to me and O talking about some of our relatives back home, he grew silent.

Then, after a pause in the conversation, he turned to me and said earnestly, "Nanay, I still miss all my friends in the Philippines." Then his little face crumpled in emotion as he tried to hold back his tears, to no avail. Then, an appeal: "Can you please give me money so I can go back and see them again?" He then sobbed freely on my shoulder, each shudder breaking my heart into tiny little pieces.

I tried to console him as dry-eyed and as best as I could, not wanting this to be the start of his day, which was gloomy, stormy, windy and grey enough to begin with. I tried to make him tell me the names of all his cousins and friends, and to say a prayer for each one. Doing this always used to make him feel better in the 14 homesick months we have been away. But, today, this time, he was inconsolable. He kept asking me when we can go home to see our friends again.

I bit my lip. I felt homesick, too. But I knew we couldn't save enough to afford the trip this year. So I did what any sensible mother would do in that situation.

I said, "Go down and ask your tatay."

Tee hee hee :D

Cheaters?

"How was drama club today, B?," I asked on our usual walk home. "What did Mrs Day ask you to do?"

"It was fun, " B offered, eager to share his day with me. "She put us into groups. First there was SPACE. Then there were the CHEATERS. Then the INDIANS. Then ICE."

This jolted me out of my reverie and made me bring E's pushchair to a screeching halt on the footpath. Then I caught myself and took a step forward, trying to sound casual as I asked, "Cheaters? There was a group of CHEATERS in drama club? What kind of cheaters?"

"Cheaters," said B patiently. "The ones that run really fast and look like big cats."

Ohhhhh, comprehension dawned. CHEETAHS, he meant. Except that here in the UK, people often end words like this with "er" instead. Like, look at the way Simon Cowell calls Paula Abdul as "Pauler." The "ah" becomes an "er." I'll give other examples in another post.

So I set to work. "It's CHEETAHS, B, not CHEATERS." And thankfully, this time, he didn't argue with me but simply accepted what I said as gospel truth. An increasingly rare occurrence nowadays, especially since Miss N and his other teachers have taken precedence over Nanay in the knowledge category, well, as far as B is concerned anyway. Sigh. I know it's a phase, but it's still quite hard to accept, that's all.

Then B went on chatting about what the drama club groups did-- the SPACE group rode a spaceship to the moon and took pictures for the whole drama club to see, the CHEETAHS raced around the hall as fast as their feet could carry them, the INDIANS said woowooowooowoowoo with their hands over their mouths and the ICE group (which B was a part of), well, they just slid and glided around on this searing hot summer's day.

Very nice, very creative, and so much fun, this after-school drama club.

Pixie Dust and Other Questions I Probably Didn't Answer Very Well

"Nanay," B asked as he watched Disney's Peter Pan on DVD, "Can I have some pixie dust, please? Because I would like so much to fly."

And I thought to myself: Wouldn't we all, B? Both your Tatay and I dreamed of flying as little kids, and it's a dream that one never quite outgrows, really. Glad you've joined the club at last!

But actually, I was so surpised and pleased by his question that I didn't know what to say. Obviously, I would never have the heart to tell him what them grown-ups know all too well--- that pixies and fairies don't exist (oops, did I just kill a fairy? Sorry, Tink!), but where was I to get this pixie dust that he wanted? So I asked him that, and he said, "That's easy. We'll just get some from the pixie store!"

***

One time, we were in the bathroom getting him ready for bed when he casually enquired, "Nanay, how come you don't have a pitoy?" He was referring, in Cebuano dialect, to the body part where his wee comes out from.

I silently panicked. Where, oh where, was his Tatay to be found? How come these questions come on MY shift??? I decided to do my best.

"Ummm, because I'm a girl, and girls don't have pitoys."

"Why?," he persisted.

Oh, dear Lord. How to explain this to a boy who just turned 6?

"Er, ahh, I don't know, B, but I do know that both boys and girls are special, whether they have pitoys or not. God made all of us special, even though we're different from each other."

That seemed to do it, I think. He was quiet for a while. And then, "Nanay, is that why you don't stand up when you do a wee-wee? Because you don't have a pitoy?"

He had seen me?? He had seen me!! I picked myself off the floor where I had fallen, dusted myself off, smiled feebly and simply said yes.

***

O brought home a DVD of Annie (the 1982 classic film version of the musical) on Friday evening. By the next day, B had memorised most of the songs. And he had, as you can imagine, even more questions on his little mind: "Where are Annie's nanay and tatay? Why did they leave her? Why is Miss Hannigan so mean to the little girls? What's an orphan?"

***

And to think--- just a few years ago, just after B was diagnosed and he was talking purely in incomprehensible jargon--- to think that I had despaired of ever hearing him ask me a single rational question, or say a straight sentence. I had so much wanted to teach my children, to have them ask me Why, Nanay? How? What? What for?, that to be told that I had a son who might never look into my eyes, or ask me questions, or show interest in other people, or even just call me by name, was devastating. And now, now that B has proven medical science wrong, I find myself utterly unprepared for all his wonderful, observant, overflowing curiosity about the world and about people.

How fantastic to be caught by surprise by God's work!

Creative Juice

We were walking home today when B said, "Chinese, Draggy, Lees, Fern and Lucy went with me to school today."

I presumed that those were the names of his new circle of pretend friends. I'd heard him talking to them up in his room the last couple of nights. So I let him talk, enjoying his creative energy.

B continued, "We walked there together and they sat on the carpet--- like this." And he proceeded to show me exactly how they sat, right there on the muddy sidewalk.

As Homer Simpson would say, D'oh!

Later on, this new circle of invisible friends took care of him as he went to the bathroom, which he had previously designated as a "spooky" place in the house. (FYI, as far as B is concerned, "spooky" is anywhere on the first floor of the house when the whole family is on the ground floor, no matter what anyone says.)

Intrigued by his newfound confidence in the "presence" of these creatures, I asked B, "Who are these friends of yours anyway? Where did you find them? Did you read them in a book or did you think them up in your head?"

"Oh, Nanay," he replied, "they're not my friends. They're animals. Chinese is a dragon, Draggy is a monster, Lees is a crab, Fern is a girl elephant and Lucy is a chicken. I didn't read them in a book. I rescued them from the forest and the tunnel and the seaside and the countryside and from the farm! Because I wanted them to be part of our family."

"We're very lucky then that they don't each much, huh?," I joked. "And how do you spell Lees' name? Is it L-E-E-S?"

"No," B explained. "It's L-E-Y-double S- and silent E."

Ohhh, I thought. Leysse. Not Lees. Where does he get these names? He has a backstory for each of these characters, too, I bet.

Someday, when B grows up, if computers and the internet don't go obsolete first, he will read this blog and see all these wonderful things you are reading about him.

Oh, B, what a gift you have! The worlds and colours and characters inside your busy little mind-- they astound me. Nothing I've ever thunk has come close to what you are creating.

As your Nanay, let me say that I'm so very proud of you.

And as a fellow dreamer, let me just say, I like your style.

Go on, B. Dream. Create. Imagine.

According To B

"You know, Nanay," B said as we were walking home this evening from anticipated Mass. "Jesus has a judging book."

"A judging book?," I replied. "Is that where He puts the good boys and girls on one page and the bad ones on another page?"

"Yes," he said. "We're all in Jesus' judging book... That's what we learned in school. And also in church."

"That's marvelous, B," I said, and my thoughts went back to last night's bedtime routine.

Last night, as we got him ready for bed, B had spontaneously sung me two songs they had sung in church that morning for the Feast of the Sacred Heart, and I had silently praised God for putting B in such a good school, with good academic teaching, but also with a great spiritual ethos. Today, reflecting on how B pays attention at Mass and what he had just shared with me, I thanked God yet again.

Then I decided to pursue the matter a bit further. "But what does it mean to be good, B? What should good boys and girls do to get into Jesus' judging book?"

"It means," B declared without hesitation, "being polite."

Well, I did try to convince him that loving and caring and sharing also had something to do with being good, but now, as I reflect about his answer, I'm inclined to think he got the basics right. After all, when we are polite to God and to others, we think of not hurting their feelings. We try to put their needs first before our own. We try to say nice, encouraging, positive things. We try to make them feel good and safe and at ease, we are hospitable and friendly, we pay attention to them and not take them for granted.

You know, in his own simple, childlike way, I really do think B has got it right.

B at 6

"Stop panting, Nette," Dra Z instructed me. "Time to start pushing with the next contraction. Okay?"

She had barely finished saying this when the next wave came, and I pushed.

"Not quite good enough, Nette. But it's crowning. You need to push harder."

O was by my side, supporting my shoulders, camera in hand. I mustered up all my remaining concentration after 12 hours of slow labor and focused on my breathing, my diaphragm. And when the next contraction came:

"That's it, Nette. This is very good. Very effective. Keep pushing! Almost there!"

And then-- a pop! A whish! And a cry!

And suddenly, O and I were faced with our first baby-- a boy. Upon hearing our voices, he immediately stopped crying and looked into my eyes. It was a blessed eternity. A beautiful child. I loved him even before I saw him, but when I finally did see him, I loved him even more.

When we got back to our hospital room, O and I started crying and bawling out of sheer joy. We hugged each other tightly and praised God for His gift of life. The life of B. A life to be filled with miracles and surprises, with victories and triumphs, with sweetness and light. A life of purity and joy, of affection, touch and laughter. A life just beginning, but which has already touched so many others. A life of learning, and of sharing lessons learned.

We prayed for him as he woke up this morning, and he said, "Am I six now?"

And I smiled and said, "Yes, you have six-year-old eyes, six-year-old hands, six-year-old feet!"

Happy sixth birthday, our dearest, beloved B. Nanay and Tatay love you so much. Muah!

Peace and Happiness

A week ago, we visited with a family who are long-time members of Antioch, the ecumenical community we are part of here in England. Both of their children have specials needs, and the older one has Aspergers, which is what B is suspected to have.

It was refreshing to be with people we didn't have to explain ourselves to. They knew how it felt to be told that one's child has an incurable pervasive developmental disorder. They had felt the same grief, faced the same fears, withstood the same pain. But they also shared our hope, our joys, our toil, our gratitude to God for His unending miracles. We have been loved and consoled by family and friends, yes, but it is different to be with parents who share what we go through each day. There is so much to be said, but also so much that need not be said.

As we swapped stories, we watched the four children playing in the garden, bouncing on the huge trampoline, sliding onto a paddling pool, playing football and riding kiddie cars. We could see nothing wrong with them, really. They played with each other really well. They did pretend games, talked, laughed, got silly with each other and shared toys. It was amazing. It was as if they somehow KNEW they were akin to one another, that they BELONGED together, that they could relax and not be afraid of being teased or of being different, that they were meant to be FRIENDS. It was an astounding thing to see.

And we shared our reflections on God's power in our children's lives, how He had really proved textbooks and doctors wrong, how our experience of ASD/Aspergers had affected our whole paradigm towards parenting and what really matters, what we REALLY want our children to learn from us. We were inspired by this family, this couple who trust God with their children's future, no matter what. They have a peace that just diffuses from their faces. They just quietly shine with a glow that says, We will not be moved, we shall not be shaken, there is nothing that is too big for our God to handle. Their peace moves me. When my world is shaken again, I hope I will be lucid enough to remember this couple's serenity, and to draw strength from their witness.

Some weeks ago, B was visited by an educational psychologist, a Mr Ashton-Jones. Among other things, he assessed B's emotional status, how B perceives himself emotionally at this point in his life. Mr A-J showed us a drawing of a tree with several stick-figure children on it, doing different things, in different parts of the tree, with different facial expressions or body positions. He had asked B where he was, who he was in the tree diagram, and B had readily pointed to a child standing halfway up the tree, not at the top, not at the bottom, but right smack in the middle of the vertical axis. The stick-figure he chose was standing on a stable ledge, with both his feet securely planted on a level surface on the tree. It was happy, with a smiling face. Mr A-J said it meant that B saw himself as right in the middle of the group as far as his peers are concerned, not at the top but not at the bottom, either. And that he saw himself as standing on safe ground, stable and secure. And that he was happy with his life, happy in school, happy with himself. This was more than enough to move me. I felt tears welling up but I managed to keep them in.

And then he told us that he had asked B which child he wanted to be in the picture. He wanted to know what B wanted for himself, what he was hoping for. Mr A-J showed us B's choice: a child happily, crazily swinging on a swing which was tied to a branch of the tree. And he told us, B just wants to have fun, he wants to be happy, he simply wants to enjoy his life. My heart just swelled with joy upon knowing that at his age, B knows what's important-- it is not to be at the top, or to be famous or popular, or to be really good at everything he does. He just wants to have fun, like a child on a swing, no fears, no cares, no complications. He wants to go through life laughing, with joy and abandon.

I fought to keep my tears at bay, but had no such luck.

To My Unborn Child

Five months and already you are kicking like a horse. Sometimes I wonder if you can hear me sing to you at night, or if you feel the quiet depth of our love for you when your Tatay hugs and kisses you in my tummy. Five months a miracle. Five months a gift.

You are a child of love, friendship and unity. Your Tatay and I were wed in a beautiful chapel overlooking Mt. Batulao in Caleruega, Batangas on a perfect day in May 1999. When your Tatay and I looked in each other’s eyes and promised to love one another, and be partners and bestfriends forever, we also promised to love and care for the children God will bless us with. You are our first blessing, Anak.

Five months after our wedding, your Tatay and I felt the need to get away from the pressures of work and study by going on a quiet, peaceful second honeymoon. I had been feeling tired and queasy the past days, and as we boarded the early morning flight to Kalibo, my eyes were watery from trying not to puke on your Tatay. We looked at each other, neither of us willing to voice out the hope which both of us were desperately wishing for. It was on our first night in Boracay when we decided to use the pregnancy test kit we had brought from Manila. We took the one-minute test, and since neither of us wanted to look first, we both closed our eyes, counted to three and peeked at the same time. And there it was. I never knew that a little pink “+” has such power as to move two reasonably sane adults to laugh and weep themselves silly at the same time.

In between headaches and frequent visits to the bathroom sink, I watched my body change as you grew. One time, as I prayed for you in my womb, God led me to Psalm 139: “You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.” And I felt tears well up inside as I felt God say to you, Anak: “I know you, because I made you. Even now, while you are still inside your nanay’s womb, I see you, and I love you.” You are His child, Anak, just as your Tatay and I are. And He loves you more than we ever could. He thinks about you all the time, too.

God has been teaching me a lot during my pregnancy. About me, about your Tatay, about you, about Us. And now, while you are still inside me, Anak, I feel God leading me to make this covenant with you:

1. I love and accept you unconditionally, with no ifs or buts, for who you are, and who you are yet to become. You will never, ever have to earn or merit my love.

2. I will let you be who God wants you to be. I will not stand in the way of His love for you, for God has no grandchildren, and you are yourself a child of God. Let Him call your heart as He pleases.

3. I will let you be different from me. I will not pressure or manipulate you to be like me, or to be who I think you ought to be. I will let you be yourself. I will not smother your identity as a unique person in this world.

4. I will allow you to get hurt sometimes, for I know you need a little pain every now and then in order to grow. I will go through the pain with you, but I will not deprive you of your growth.

5. I will be generous to you and provide what you need, but I will also take care not to impose or cultivate unnecessary, artificial needs in your sense of values. I will teach you to live simply and to desire less, to be grateful for what you have, and to be generous with your blessings to others who are in greater need.

6. I will be consistent in how I relate with you, so as to spare you from confusion and distress. I will pay attention to how I behave in your presence. I will seek harmony and integrity and wholeness, so that you need only relate to ONE nanay, and not three.

7. I will listen to you, even when I want to interrupt or advise or react. I will hear you out, and empathize, and understand.

8. I will not tolerate, ignore or cement dependencies in our family relationships. I will teach you what I have learned about “being separate together,” and I will strive to make my relationship with your Tatay a model of healthy interdependence.

9. I will cut the umbilical cord not just physically, but psychologically, when the appropriate time comes. I will do this while keeping my arms open for you. You will always be welcome to be child-like with me, even when you already have children of your own.

10. I will play with you.

11. I will hug you very often.

12. I will be your friend and companion, your mother and mentor.

13. I will explore life with you and help you face your fears, even as I continue to face my own.

14. I will let you make mistakes in freedom. I will counsel you, but I will not judge you when you err. I will be generous in compassion to you, even when your mistakes hurt me or the ones I love. But I will also be firm against wrongdoing or malice. I will not be silent about sin or displeasing God.

15. If you have to be punished, I will make clear to you why what you did was wrong. I will never strike you in anger. I will discipline you with tough love and firm conviction, in a way that would never undermine your self-worth or dignity.

16. I will let you love me. I will accept your service and affection with joy and gratitude.

17. I will rejoice in your personhood and delight in your identity.

18. I will laugh with you, and never at you. I will share jokes with you and create an atmosphere of laughter in our home. I will caution you against taking yourself too seriously.

19. I will read you stories at bedtime no matter how old you are. I will sing to you and teach you to love music and words and images and stories. I will nurture your innate creativity. I will encourage you to learn.

20. I will be honest with you, and even be vulnerable to you. I will tell you when I do not know the answer to your questions, and I will be humble enough to admit that I am not perfect and do not know everything.

21. I will trust you. I know that you will not deliberately hurt me or be dishonest with me. Whether you are six or sixteen, I will trust you.

22. I will be quietly, privately proud of you, and I will make certain that you know it. But I will not embarrass you by showing you off to my friends or gloating about your accomplishments. We will celebrate your victories as a family, and we will share your dreams with you. You will never be treated like a trophy.

23. I will love myself in a healthy way, so that I am better able to love you and your Tatay selflessly. I will maintain my identity and not ride under the shadow of yours. It will be my service to you to preserve who I am, so that you can also be freely assured of who you are. I will always aim for personal growth.

24. I will endeavor to lead you to know God in a personal and intimate way. I will pray with you and help you become a citizen of heaven.

25. I will always keep in mind that you are not mine, but God’s.

Your Tatay and I want you to know just how much we want you, and how much we love you. We can hardly wait for the day when we will finally hold you in our arms.

And though it sounds desperately trite, I still choose to say it, for it is the truth:

Anak, our precious little one, your Tatay and I love you very deeply, as we have never loved anyone else before. Our love for you will never change, nor waver. And Anak, just as our own Mama & Papa and Mommy & Daddy have done in their time, so will your Tatay and I gladly give our lives for you.

Love,
Nanay

{Written 17 March 2000, while awaiting the birth of B}

Your Comments

Before E and I dash off to B's school, may I just say thank you to those who've kindly left comments on some of the entries on this blog, and on my other one, as well.

I've just been able to read them and reply back today. I do hope I didn't miss anyone's comment! Let me know if I have.

It's always a joy to hear from those who come and visit my thoughts. :)

See you soon. More later.

TCVs: Forgiven But Not Forgotten

My husband O and I have now come to terms with the part which TCVs (Thimerosal-Containing Vaccines) may or may not have played in triggering our son B's autism. This doesn't mean we have resigned ourselves to the past, but that we have found blessed and empowering peace amidst the violent turmoil of our recent discovery. Peace that, as Scripture says, "transcends all understanding."

We have decided that, no matter how much we may regret or feel badly about the past, we simply cannot change things just by wailing about it, and any more undue anguish would be a complete and foolish waste of energy and emotion on our part. Our conviction now is that we have been serendipitously led to this bit of crucial information in order to help share it with other parents, to perhaps prevent more children to be affected by TCVs as our son has been. So again, once more, we find ourselves focusing all our thought and power into doing what we can within our circle of influence. Instead of merely feeling bitter and vindictive, we have decided to do something constructive and mitigating about it.

First off, contrary to what I said in an earlier entry, O was quick to point out that at the time he first told me about TCVs, he hadn't yet read any medical journals, just the one that he saw on http://www.commongroundcommonsense.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=31674, so he wanted me to correct that here on the blog, in case anyone was misled. But what HAS happened since then is that he NOW HAS already researched medical and scientific journals on this topic, reading through research abstracts and emailing authors asking for a complete copy of their research findings. Within the same day of his request, many authors graciously sent him a copy of their work!

So now we DO have copies of these medical and scientific articles in our possession, thanks to the generosity of the authors. We are in the process of reading and understanding them, and believe me, the jargon's not too easy to get past. As much as we want to post them all on a website and make these findings available for everyone who wants to read them, we need to consider: 1) getting copyright permission from all the publishers first, 2) how to go about putting up a website dedicated solely for this topic , and 3) if it would be pointless to post the articles as they are, since they wouldn't make much sense to the ordinary parent, or if it would be better to "translate" it, so to speak, into common layman's terms before posting them, or to make both versions available on the website. To have FAQs or something, with questions like "But why does the FDA or BFAD allow it to be distributed?" or "What do we have to look for on vaccine labels?"

Another thing I've realised is that, if we're going to wage war on TCVs, emotions and rhetoric are not exactly the weapons of choice. We have to get hard facts, straight science, solid evidence, credible research. We have to be careful not to sound like rumor-mongers or hysterical parents paranoid about speculative fears. Otherwise our words will simply echo in the vast wastes of cyberspace as just one of those crazy forwarded emails which we too often get in our inbox each day. And more children would remain under the TCV threat, as this happens.

No, we've decided to be smart about this, to plan things out, to be thorough. To channel our anger and disgust into something effective and credible. As Barbra Streisand and Dionne Warwick once sang, "we won't waste another tear..."

And we won't be doing this for ourselves or our sons, really, as here in the UK, parents already have the freedom to choose non-TCVs when having their newborns or toddlers immunised. We will be doing it for all those children and their parents who are at risk from TCVs, in Third World countries, probably, where these supplies must be easier to dump, and where TCV-alternatives might not yet be available. We will be doing it so other parents would not have to go through what we went through. But I won't cry about it anymore, not here on this blog, anyway. Any offers of moral support or help or advice are welcome, by the way.

When I think about what may have caused B's autism, what triggered it, what pushed him into the spectrum, I'm more and more drawn towards the theory that it wasn't one single event or stimulus which was to blame. Rather, drawing from what I have learned in studying the environment, I am more inclined to study the whole system, the whole picture, holistically. There were things in B's system which perhaps already predisposed him or made him vulnerable to autism, but there were probably many other outside factors (TCVs? Measles at age 8 months? Other environmental toxins?) which helped him coast along quickly over the edge, tipping things over from predisposition into reality. All of these, taken as a whole, resulted in B's autism.

So if I have seemed to move on, be thankful for me, because I have. I have moved on and forgiven the monsters behind TCVs, made peace with my son's kidnappers and abusers. I have moved on and moved forward, determined to act, to tell, to fight. But I have not moved on and forgotten what TCVs may have taken from me and my family.

For as long as B is here to remind me, I will not forget. Ever.

On Walls and Thimerosals

I hope I've pulled myself together enough to write about what has disturbed my peace the past few days... See, this is the life of a parent with a special-needs child; it ain't never clean, it ain't never sanitized, it ain't never predictable and it ain't never heartbreak-free. The times my heart gets tortured, pierced, dragged into the mud... oh, I dare not count. But each experience mercifully ends with lessons learned, vision clarified, strength renewed, wounds healed or being healed. So it's good, it's all good, but still, I wouldn't wish these experiences on my worst enemy.

My relationship with my husband and life-partner O has been crucial to my fingertip-grip on sanity throughout times such as these. As is my relationship with God, Who knows that He also has a special-needs child in ME, and that I depend on Him to teach me, strengthen me and give me hope, just as B relies on us.

At these times, I've learned to force myself to reach out, to tap people who love me on the shoulder and say, "Hey, I'm not doing so okay here, can I borrow your shoulder for a while?" I say force, because it goes against everything inside me to admit that I hurt, that I need, that I rage, that I can't see very far ahead no matter how I try. And autism is a disease that not only affects children or individuals, but their families, as well. Autism isolates. Autism separates. Autism disconnects. There is a silent, impenetrable wall that goes up around a family with ASD from the moment of diagnosis. A wall of fear, of shame, of pain. A wall that needs to be torn down, brick by heavy brick, to free those inside from despair, to free them up to receive love from others, to free them enough to feel for others, as well.

Having learned this the hard way in the past, I had vowed to fight this deadly, isolating wall of silence by building a support group of loving friends around me-- people who don't pretend to know what I'm going through, who don't imagine that they know everything, who don't deluge me with solutions and logic, who don't even try to make me stop crying or hurting, but people who care, who listen, who know that I need to go through this anguish, who know that when the dust clears, I will still be standing. Battle-worn and wounded, perhaps, but on my feet, ready to move, ready to help others just as tired, confused and weary as I am. Take and receive. That's the cycle, that's how it goes.

So, sorry to dash whatever hopes you may have had, but it's not always triumphant, coherent, maturely-processed, inspirational pieces that you're gonna get from me here. I'm human--- only so but fully so--- and many times I need as much help (or more) as I'm typically willing to give in turn. When will people realize that parents of special-needs children have special needs themselves? My life as a special-needs parent is real, it's not all stained glass and roses, with its frequent ups and occasional downs; and when I'm up, I'm up, but when I'm down... well, I'm not gonna lie about it. Especially to myself. I know better than that, I hope.

Finally, what's been causing the crying bouts and earth-shattering tremors in my otherwise-peaceful life? Two letters sum it up: Hg.

Hg, or mercury, and all its compounds are useful but highly toxic to humans. I won't bore you with a lecture on all its uses and its health effects, which you can find in websites such as http://www.greenfacts.org/mercury/mercury-element.htm, anyway.

Last Friday, my younger son E was given chloramphenicol eye ointment for his mercifully-shortlived bout of conjunctivitis. Since eye ointment is infinitely harder to apply on a struggling toddler than eye drops, I asked O to arrange for a repeat prescription with our GP. He brought the eye drops home, but being the scientist that he is (O has a PhD in instrumentation and analytical science), he read the label before we administered it to E. I saw him frown as he read it, and he immediately went online to read medical and scientific journals-- something which, I hasten to add, only one person in this family does, by the way.

And then he turned to me and said, "Let's just use the ointment, luv. For some reason, these eye drops contain phenylmercuric nitrate, which is a toxic compound."

What?!, I exclaimed. What kind of moron puts mercuric compounds in eye drops? Didn't they know that there are gazillions of blood vessels in the eye? Why put toxins in the eyes, from which they get into the bloodstream? Didn't these people watch CSI?, I thought.

"They use them as antiseptics and preservatives for eye drops and other medicines and vaccines," said O, looking worried.

I patted him on the shoulder and said, Good for E, his Tatay is a chemist. Well done! So we kept using the ointment till we could get a mercury-free brand of eye drops, and for me, that was the end of that.

But for O, it wasn't. Something he had read disturbed him. He pored over more medical journals online, and I knew he was onto something. But he never spoke a word.

That Sunday, on our way to Mass, we were talking with a friend about autism, and O sort of let slip that he had come across an online article which linked mercury in childhood vaccines to the growing epidemic of autism and developmental disorders. He had hesitated about telling me sooner, because he was concerned about how it might affect me. And besides, he said, he still needed to read it in more detail, as he had just skimmed through it the first time.

The next day being bank holiday Monday, he had time to do just that. Halfway through the article, he turned to me, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Luv," he said. "I'm angry. I don't know what to do about it, I'm so enraged! Nagngingitngit ako... "

And this is what he told me: That mercuric compounds (also called thimerosals) had been, until a few years ago, widely and generally used as antiseptics/preservatives in vaccines and other medicine, especially (but not limited to) those multi-dose vials. That big US drug companies had labored to cover everything up, despite the fact that mercury had been directly linked to autism, speech delays, ADHD and other developmental disorders. And these pharmaceutical bigwigs decided, simply decided, to keep this vital bit of information from the rest of the world --- doctors, parents, everyone--- for fear of massive lawsuits (which they would most probably lose) and in order to let them dispose of all their mercury-laden stock.

From birth, B had had all his shots given to him on-time, according to the Philippine immunization schedule, which is-- surprise, surprise-- based on the US immunization model. Did we hug him, restrain him and say "it's gonna be okay" with each jab, as the unseen thimerosals built up steadily inside his tiny body? Mercury, like most toxins, bioaccumulate, which means they aren't flushed out of our systems when we ingest them. They just stay there, and build up with each new dose. Did it reach a critical dose, an activation point which tripped B's neurons and brain functions, triggering his autism and all its related dysfunctions? Each individual responds differently to toxins, some are more vulnerable or perhaps genetically predisposed than others. Who knew what the repeated mercury doses could do to trigger B's autism? Who knew that some people were monstrous enough to put toxins in children's vaccines? Don't we all take for granted that immunizations are supposed to make our children healthy, not sick? That what the needle sticks into our children are good stuff, not poison? Don't we trust drug-makers and their ethics, just as we do doctors and nurses? Who knew that this could happen to us and our children?

Let me tell you who knew: THEY did. They knew, and they sat on their hands, waiting for their faulty stock to run out before they did anything about it. They knew, and they phased it out, instead of recalling their products from the market. They knew, and they kept it from us. They knew, and they lied. THEY KNEW.

So now I want to tell anybody who can listen. Those who have babies or young children still in the process of being immunized. Those who know people who do. Those who care about their nephews, nieces, grandchildren or pre-school/grade school students. I want to shout it out, broadcast it, scream it out at the top of my lungs! Because I don't want any other parent to go through what we have gone through, good or bad, in our fight against ASD. Because every child deserves to be protected from selfish, human greed.

I'm not suggesting that we stop having our children immunized, no! That's very irresponsible and very illogical, as humanity would then be wiped out by disease long before autism is finally eradicated from the face of the planet.

What I propose is that, when someone brings their child in for a flu shot or any kind of immunization, any jab, any medication, just politely ask to SEE THE LABEL of the vial containing the drugs/medicine/vaccine and check that it doesn't contain thimerosals, mercuric compounds or merthiolates. And if it does, to request for another brand of the drug/medicine/vaccine, a thimerosal-free one, even if it costs more, even if it is in single dose form.

The Philippines, being a Third World country, is a great candidate for faulty-drug-dumping by sneaky multi-national drug companies, so be wise. Know what's in the bottle before it's jabbed into someone you love. And it goes for all food products or beverages, as well. Check the labels, ask smart questions, think! If they duped a chemist and a chemical engineer into thinking it was safe for their son to be injected with hidden thimerosals which could and did trigger his autism... well, just don't be as stupid and as thoughtless as we were. It would mean more time or even more money shelled out on your part, but it would be totally worth it.

Because it would cost you more in the end, autism. And I'm not talking about the money you spend on doctors and therapists, or developmental toys, tools, books or materials. I'm talking about a child's future. His potential. His parents' heartache and pain.

Tell your spouse, your siblings, your friends about this. Tell them about B. Tell them about thimerosals. Email them this post or link to this blog, if you wish. But tell them, please.

The bottom line? It was Greed. Disgusting, inhuman, immoral, dollar-hungry, ugly, monstrous Greed.

That's what helped make my son autistic.

That's what stole from my son his right to be normal.

That's what kidnapped my son from us, and guess what?

We're still paying ransom, up till now.

Sorry

Cried half the night, deeply disturbed by these new revelations. Before turning in, I went to B as he slept, and brokenly whispered, "I'm sorry, anak, I'm sorry... You needn't have gone through this, after all... " And then I cried myself to sleep, in deep, torturous pain.

I want to explain, I want to share about this, I want to be sensible and not show everyone what a wreck I am just now... but I'm still too upset to write... I'm sorry.

Maybe tomorrow, I will finally notice how brightly the sun is shining over us all.