Five months and already you are kicking like a horse. Sometimes I wonder if you can hear me sing to you at night, or if you feel the quiet depth of our love for you when your Tatay hugs and kisses you in my tummy. Five months a miracle. Five months a gift.
You are a child of love, friendship and unity. Your Tatay and I were wed in a beautiful chapel overlooking Mt. Batulao in Caleruega, Batangas on a perfect day in May 1999. When your Tatay and I looked in each other’s eyes and promised to love one another, and be partners and bestfriends forever, we also promised to love and care for the children God will bless us with. You are our first blessing, Anak.
Five months after our wedding, your Tatay and I felt the need to get away from the pressures of work and study by going on a quiet, peaceful second honeymoon. I had been feeling tired and queasy the past days, and as we boarded the early morning flight to Kalibo, my eyes were watery from trying not to puke on your Tatay. We looked at each other, neither of us willing to voice out the hope which both of us were desperately wishing for. It was on our first night in Boracay when we decided to use the pregnancy test kit we had brought from Manila. We took the one-minute test, and since neither of us wanted to look first, we both closed our eyes, counted to three and peeked at the same time. And there it was. I never knew that a little pink “+” has such power as to move two reasonably sane adults to laugh and weep themselves silly at the same time.
In between headaches and frequent visits to the bathroom sink, I watched my body change as you grew. One time, as I prayed for you in my womb, God led me to Psalm 139: “You created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made…My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body.” And I felt tears well up inside as I felt God say to you, Anak: “I know you, because I made you. Even now, while you are still inside your nanay’s womb, I see you, and I love you.” You are His child, Anak, just as your Tatay and I are. And He loves you more than we ever could. He thinks about you all the time, too.
God has been teaching me a lot during my pregnancy. About me, about your Tatay, about you, about Us. And now, while you are still inside me, Anak, I feel God leading me to make this covenant with you:
1. I love and accept you unconditionally, with no ifs or buts, for who you are, and who you are yet to become. You will never, ever have to earn or merit my love.
2. I will let you be who God wants you to be. I will not stand in the way of His love for you, for God has no grandchildren, and you are yourself a child of God. Let Him call your heart as He pleases.
3. I will let you be different from me. I will not pressure or manipulate you to be like me, or to be who I think you ought to be. I will let you be yourself. I will not smother your identity as a unique person in this world.
4. I will allow you to get hurt sometimes, for I know you need a little pain every now and then in order to grow. I will go through the pain with you, but I will not deprive you of your growth.
5. I will be generous to you and provide what you need, but I will also take care not to impose or cultivate unnecessary, artificial needs in your sense of values. I will teach you to live simply and to desire less, to be grateful for what you have, and to be generous with your blessings to others who are in greater need.
6. I will be consistent in how I relate with you, so as to spare you from confusion and distress. I will pay attention to how I behave in your presence. I will seek harmony and integrity and wholeness, so that you need only relate to ONE nanay, and not three.
7. I will listen to you, even when I want to interrupt or advise or react. I will hear you out, and empathize, and understand.
8. I will not tolerate, ignore or cement dependencies in our family relationships. I will teach you what I have learned about “being separate together,” and I will strive to make my relationship with your Tatay a model of healthy interdependence.
9. I will cut the umbilical cord not just physically, but psychologically, when the appropriate time comes. I will do this while keeping my arms open for you. You will always be welcome to be child-like with me, even when you already have children of your own.
10. I will play with you.
11. I will hug you very often.
12. I will be your friend and companion, your mother and mentor.
13. I will explore life with you and help you face your fears, even as I continue to face my own.
14. I will let you make mistakes in freedom. I will counsel you, but I will not judge you when you err. I will be generous in compassion to you, even when your mistakes hurt me or the ones I love. But I will also be firm against wrongdoing or malice. I will not be silent about sin or displeasing God.
15. If you have to be punished, I will make clear to you why what you did was wrong. I will never strike you in anger. I will discipline you with tough love and firm conviction, in a way that would never undermine your self-worth or dignity.
16. I will let you love me. I will accept your service and affection with joy and gratitude.
17. I will rejoice in your personhood and delight in your identity.
18. I will laugh with you, and never at you. I will share jokes with you and create an atmosphere of laughter in our home. I will caution you against taking yourself too seriously.
19. I will read you stories at bedtime no matter how old you are. I will sing to you and teach you to love music and words and images and stories. I will nurture your innate creativity. I will encourage you to learn.
20. I will be honest with you, and even be vulnerable to you. I will tell you when I do not know the answer to your questions, and I will be humble enough to admit that I am not perfect and do not know everything.
21. I will trust you. I know that you will not deliberately hurt me or be dishonest with me. Whether you are six or sixteen, I will trust you.
22. I will be quietly, privately proud of you, and I will make certain that you know it. But I will not embarrass you by showing you off to my friends or gloating about your accomplishments. We will celebrate your victories as a family, and we will share your dreams with you. You will never be treated like a trophy.
23. I will love myself in a healthy way, so that I am better able to love you and your Tatay selflessly. I will maintain my identity and not ride under the shadow of yours. It will be my service to you to preserve who I am, so that you can also be freely assured of who you are. I will always aim for personal growth.
24. I will endeavor to lead you to know God in a personal and intimate way. I will pray with you and help you become a citizen of heaven.
25. I will always keep in mind that you are not mine, but God’s.
Your Tatay and I want you to know just how much we want you, and how much we love you. We can hardly wait for the day when we will finally hold you in our arms.
And though it sounds desperately trite, I still choose to say it, for it is the truth:
Anak, our precious little one, your Tatay and I love you very deeply, as we have never loved anyone else before. Our love for you will never change, nor waver. And Anak, just as our own Mama & Papa and Mommy & Daddy have done in their time, so will your Tatay and I gladly give our lives for you.
Love,
Nanay
{Written 17 March 2000, while awaiting the birth of B}
17 May 2006
15 May 2006
Your Comments
Before E and I dash off to B's school, may I just say thank you to those who've kindly left comments on some of the entries on this blog, and on my other one, as well.
I've just been able to read them and reply back today. I do hope I didn't miss anyone's comment! Let me know if I have.
It's always a joy to hear from those who come and visit my thoughts. :)
See you soon. More later.
I've just been able to read them and reply back today. I do hope I didn't miss anyone's comment! Let me know if I have.
It's always a joy to hear from those who come and visit my thoughts. :)
See you soon. More later.
07 May 2006
TCVs: Forgiven But Not Forgotten
My husband O and I have now come to terms with the part which TCVs (Thimerosal-Containing Vaccines) may or may not have played in triggering our son B's autism. This doesn't mean we have resigned ourselves to the past, but that we have found blessed and empowering peace amidst the violent turmoil of our recent discovery. Peace that, as Scripture says, "transcends all understanding."
We have decided that, no matter how much we may regret or feel badly about the past, we simply cannot change things just by wailing about it, and any more undue anguish would be a complete and foolish waste of energy and emotion on our part. Our conviction now is that we have been serendipitously led to this bit of crucial information in order to help share it with other parents, to perhaps prevent more children to be affected by TCVs as our son has been. So again, once more, we find ourselves focusing all our thought and power into doing what we can within our circle of influence. Instead of merely feeling bitter and vindictive, we have decided to do something constructive and mitigating about it.
First off, contrary to what I said in an earlier entry, O was quick to point out that at the time he first told me about TCVs, he hadn't yet read any medical journals, just the one that he saw on http://www.commongroundcommonsense.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=31674, so he wanted me to correct that here on the blog, in case anyone was misled. But what HAS happened since then is that he NOW HAS already researched medical and scientific journals on this topic, reading through research abstracts and emailing authors asking for a complete copy of their research findings. Within the same day of his request, many authors graciously sent him a copy of their work!
So now we DO have copies of these medical and scientific articles in our possession, thanks to the generosity of the authors. We are in the process of reading and understanding them, and believe me, the jargon's not too easy to get past. As much as we want to post them all on a website and make these findings available for everyone who wants to read them, we need to consider: 1) getting copyright permission from all the publishers first, 2) how to go about putting up a website dedicated solely for this topic, and 3) if it would be pointless to post the articles as they are, since they wouldn't make much sense to the ordinary parent, or if it would be better to "translate" it, so to speak, into common layman's terms before posting them, or to make both versions available on the website. To have FAQs or something, with questions like "But why does the FDA or BFAD allow it to be distributed?" or "What do we have to look for on vaccine labels?"
Another thing I've realised is that, if we're going to wage war on TCVs, emotions and rhetoric are not exactly the weapons of choice. We have to get hard facts, straight science, solid evidence, credible research. We have to be careful not to sound like rumor-mongers or hysterical parents paranoid about speculative fears. Otherwise our words will simply echo in the vast wastes of cyberspace as just one of those crazy forwarded emails which we too often get in our inbox each day. And more children would remain under the TCV threat, as this happens.
No, we've decided to be smart about this, to plan things out, to be thorough. To channel our anger and disgust into something effective and credible. As Barbra Streisand and Dionne Warwick once sang, "we won't waste another tear..."
And we won't be doing this for ourselves or our sons, really, as here in the UK, parents already have the freedom to choose non-TCVs when having their newborns or toddlers immunised. We will be doing it for all those children and their parents who are at risk from TCVs, in Third World countries, probably, where these supplies must be easier to dump, and where TCV-alternatives might not yet be available. We will be doing it so other parents would not have to go through what we went through. But I won't cry about it anymore, not here on this blog, anyway. Any offers of moral support or help or advice are welcome, by the way.
When I think about what may have caused B's autism, what triggered it, what pushed him into the spectrum, I'm more and more drawn towards the theory that it wasn't one single event or stimulus which was to blame. Rather, drawing from what I have learned in studying the environment, I am more inclined to study the whole system, the whole picture, holistically. There were things in B's system which perhaps already predisposed him or made him vulnerable to autism, but there were probably many other outside factors (TCVs? Measles at age 8 months? Other environmental toxins?) which helped him coast along quickly over the edge, tipping things over from predisposition into reality. All of these, taken as a whole, resulted in B's autism.
So if I have seemed to move on, be thankful for me, because I have. I have moved on and forgiven the monsters behind TCVs, made peace with my son's kidnappers and abusers. I have moved on and moved forward, determined to act, to tell, to fight. But I have not moved on and forgotten what TCVs may have taken from me and my family.
For as long as B is here to remind me, I will not forget. Ever.
We have decided that, no matter how much we may regret or feel badly about the past, we simply cannot change things just by wailing about it, and any more undue anguish would be a complete and foolish waste of energy and emotion on our part. Our conviction now is that we have been serendipitously led to this bit of crucial information in order to help share it with other parents, to perhaps prevent more children to be affected by TCVs as our son has been. So again, once more, we find ourselves focusing all our thought and power into doing what we can within our circle of influence. Instead of merely feeling bitter and vindictive, we have decided to do something constructive and mitigating about it.
First off, contrary to what I said in an earlier entry, O was quick to point out that at the time he first told me about TCVs, he hadn't yet read any medical journals, just the one that he saw on http://www.commongroundcommonsense.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=31674, so he wanted me to correct that here on the blog, in case anyone was misled. But what HAS happened since then is that he NOW HAS already researched medical and scientific journals on this topic, reading through research abstracts and emailing authors asking for a complete copy of their research findings. Within the same day of his request, many authors graciously sent him a copy of their work!
So now we DO have copies of these medical and scientific articles in our possession, thanks to the generosity of the authors. We are in the process of reading and understanding them, and believe me, the jargon's not too easy to get past. As much as we want to post them all on a website and make these findings available for everyone who wants to read them, we need to consider: 1) getting copyright permission from all the publishers first, 2) how to go about putting up a website dedicated solely for this topic
Another thing I've realised is that, if we're going to wage war on TCVs, emotions and rhetoric are not exactly the weapons of choice. We have to get hard facts, straight science, solid evidence, credible research. We have to be careful not to sound like rumor-mongers or hysterical parents paranoid about speculative fears. Otherwise our words will simply echo in the vast wastes of cyberspace as just one of those crazy forwarded emails which we too often get in our inbox each day. And more children would remain under the TCV threat, as this happens.
No, we've decided to be smart about this, to plan things out, to be thorough. To channel our anger and disgust into something effective and credible. As Barbra Streisand and Dionne Warwick once sang, "we won't waste another tear..."
And we won't be doing this for ourselves or our sons, really, as here in the UK, parents already have the freedom to choose non-TCVs when having their newborns or toddlers immunised. We will be doing it for all those children and their parents who are at risk from TCVs, in Third World countries, probably, where these supplies must be easier to dump, and where TCV-alternatives might not yet be available. We will be doing it so other parents would not have to go through what we went through. But I won't cry about it anymore, not here on this blog, anyway. Any offers of moral support or help or advice are welcome, by the way.
When I think about what may have caused B's autism, what triggered it, what pushed him into the spectrum, I'm more and more drawn towards the theory that it wasn't one single event or stimulus which was to blame. Rather, drawing from what I have learned in studying the environment, I am more inclined to study the whole system, the whole picture, holistically. There were things in B's system which perhaps already predisposed him or made him vulnerable to autism, but there were probably many other outside factors (TCVs? Measles at age 8 months? Other environmental toxins?) which helped him coast along quickly over the edge, tipping things over from predisposition into reality. All of these, taken as a whole, resulted in B's autism.
So if I have seemed to move on, be thankful for me, because I have. I have moved on and forgiven the monsters behind TCVs, made peace with my son's kidnappers and abusers. I have moved on and moved forward, determined to act, to tell, to fight. But I have not moved on and forgotten what TCVs may have taken from me and my family.
For as long as B is here to remind me, I will not forget. Ever.
04 May 2006
On Walls and Thimerosals
I hope I've pulled myself together enough to write about what has disturbed my peace the past few days... See, this is the life of a parent with a special-needs child; it ain't never clean, it ain't never sanitized, it ain't never predictable and it ain't never heartbreak-free. The times my heart gets tortured, pierced, dragged into the mud... oh, I dare not count. But each experience mercifully ends with lessons learned, vision clarified, strength renewed, wounds healed or being healed. So it's good, it's all good, but still, I wouldn't wish these experiences on my worst enemy.
My relationship with my husband and life-partner O has been crucial to my fingertip-grip on sanity throughout times such as these. As is my relationship with God, Who knows that He also has a special-needs child in ME, and that I depend on Him to teach me, strengthen me and give me hope, just as B relies on us.
At these times, I've learned to force myself to reach out, to tap people who love me on the shoulder and say, "Hey, I'm not doing so okay here, can I borrow your shoulder for a while?" I say force, because it goes against everything inside me to admit that I hurt, that I need, that I rage, that I can't see very far ahead no matter how I try. And autism is a disease that not only affects children or individuals, but their families, as well. Autism isolates. Autism separates. Autism disconnects. There is a silent, impenetrable wall that goes up around a family with ASD from the moment of diagnosis. A wall of fear, of shame, of pain. A wall that needs to be torn down, brick by heavy brick, to free those inside from despair, to free them up to receive love from others, to free them enough to feel for others, as well.
Having learned this the hard way in the past, I had vowed to fight this deadly, isolating wall of silence by building a support group of loving friends around me-- people who don't pretend to know what I'm going through, who don't imagine that they know everything, who don't deluge me with solutions and logic, who don't even try to make me stop crying or hurting, but people who care, who listen, who know that I need to go through this anguish, who know that when the dust clears, I will still be standing. Battle-worn and wounded, perhaps, but on my feet, ready to move, ready to help others just as tired, confused and weary as I am. Take and receive. That's the cycle, that's how it goes.
So, sorry to dash whatever hopes you may have had, but it's not always triumphant, coherent, maturely-processed, inspirational pieces that you're gonna get from me here. I'm human--- only so but fully so--- and many times I need as much help (or more) as I'm typically willing to give in turn. When will people realize that parents of special-needs children have special needs themselves? My life as a special-needs parent is real, it's not all stained glass and roses, with its frequent ups and occasional downs; and when I'm up, I'm up, but when I'm down... well, I'm not gonna lie about it. Especially to myself. I know better than that, I hope.
Finally, what's been causing the crying bouts and earth-shattering tremors in my otherwise-peaceful life? Two letters sum it up: Hg.
Hg, or mercury, and all its compounds are useful but highly toxic to humans. I won't bore you with a lecture on all its uses and its health effects, which you can find in websites such as http://www.greenfacts.org/mercury/mercury-element.htm, anyway.
Last Friday, my younger son E was given chloramphenicol eye ointment for his mercifully-shortlived bout of conjunctivitis. Since eye ointment is infinitely harder to apply on a struggling toddler than eye drops, I asked O to arrange for a repeat prescription with our GP. He brought the eye drops home, but being the scientist that he is (O has a PhD in instrumentation and analytical science), he read the label before we administered it to E. I saw him frown as he read it, and he immediately went online to read medical and scientific journals-- something which, I hasten to add, only one person in this family does, by the way.
And then he turned to me and said, "Let's just use the ointment, luv. For some reason, these eye drops contain phenylmercuric nitrate, which is a toxic compound."
What?!, I exclaimed. What kind of moron puts mercuric compounds in eye drops? Didn't they know that there are gazillions of blood vessels in the eye? Why put toxins in the eyes, from which they get into the bloodstream? Didn't these people watch CSI?, I thought.
"They use them as antiseptics and preservatives for eye drops and other medicines and vaccines," said O, looking worried.
I patted him on the shoulder and said, Good for E, his Tatay is a chemist. Well done! So we kept using the ointment till we could get a mercury-free brand of eye drops, and for me, that was the end of that.
But for O, it wasn't. Something he had read disturbed him. He pored over more medical journals online, and I knew he was onto something. But he never spoke a word.
That Sunday, on our way to Mass, we were talking with a friend about autism, and O sort of let slip that he had come across an online article which linked mercury in childhood vaccines to the growing epidemic of autism and developmental disorders. He had hesitated about telling me sooner, because he was concerned about how it might affect me. And besides, he said, he still needed to read it in more detail, as he had just skimmed through it the first time.
The next day being bank holiday Monday, he had time to do just that. Halfway through the article, he turned to me, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Luv," he said. "I'm angry. I don't know what to do about it, I'm so enraged! Nagngingitngit ako... "
And this is what he told me: That mercuric compounds (also called thimerosals) had been, until a few years ago, widely and generally used as antiseptics/preservatives in vaccines and other medicine, especially (but not limited to) those multi-dose vials. That big US drug companies had labored to cover everything up, despite the fact that mercury had been directly linked to autism, speech delays, ADHD and other developmental disorders. And these pharmaceutical bigwigs decided, simply decided, to keep this vital bit of information from the rest of the world --- doctors, parents, everyone--- for fear of massive lawsuits (which they would most probably lose) and in order to let them dispose of all their mercury-laden stock.
From birth, B had had all his shots given to him on-time, according to the Philippine immunization schedule, which is-- surprise, surprise-- based on the US immunization model. Did we hug him, restrain him and say "it's gonna be okay" with each jab, as the unseen thimerosals built up steadily inside his tiny body? Mercury, like most toxins, bioaccumulate, which means they aren't flushed out of our systems when we ingest them. They just stay there, and build up with each new dose. Did it reach a critical dose, an activation point which tripped B's neurons and brain functions, triggering his autism and all its related dysfunctions? Each individual responds differently to toxins, some are more vulnerable or perhaps genetically predisposed than others. Who knew what the repeated mercury doses could do to trigger B's autism? Who knew that some people were monstrous enough to put toxins in children's vaccines? Don't we all take for granted that immunizations are supposed to make our children healthy, not sick? That what the needle sticks into our children are good stuff, not poison? Don't we trust drug-makers and their ethics, just as we do doctors and nurses? Who knew that this could happen to us and our children?
Let me tell you who knew: THEY did. They knew, and they sat on their hands, waiting for their faulty stock to run out before they did anything about it. They knew, and they phased it out, instead of recalling their products from the market. They knew, and they kept it from us. They knew, and they lied. THEY KNEW.
So now I want to tell anybody who can listen. Those who have babies or young children still in the process of being immunized. Those who know people who do. Those who care about their nephews, nieces, grandchildren or pre-school/grade school students. I want to shout it out, broadcast it, scream it out at the top of my lungs! Because I don't want any other parent to go through what we have gone through, good or bad, in our fight against ASD. Because every child deserves to be protected from selfish, human greed.
I'm not suggesting that we stop having our children immunized, no! That's very irresponsible and very illogical, as humanity would then be wiped out by disease long before autism is finally eradicated from the face of the planet.
What I propose is that, when someone brings their child in for a flu shot or any kind of immunization, any jab, any medication, just politely ask to SEE THE LABEL of the vial containing the drugs/medicine/vaccine and check that it doesn't contain thimerosals, mercuric compounds or merthiolates. And if it does, to request for another brand of the drug/medicine/vaccine, a thimerosal-free one, even if it costs more, even if it is in single dose form.
The Philippines, being a Third World country, is a great candidate for faulty-drug-dumping by sneaky multi-national drug companies, so be wise. Know what's in the bottle before it's jabbed into someone you love. And it goes for all food products or beverages, as well. Check the labels, ask smart questions, think! If they duped a chemist and a chemical engineer into thinking it was safe for their son to be injected with hidden thimerosals which could and did trigger his autism... well, just don't be as stupid and as thoughtless as we were. It would mean more time or even more money shelled out on your part, but it would be totally worth it.
Because it would cost you more in the end, autism. And I'm not talking about the money you spend on doctors and therapists, or developmental toys, tools, books or materials. I'm talking about a child's future. His potential. His parents' heartache and pain.
Tell your spouse, your siblings, your friends about this. Tell them about B. Tell them about thimerosals. Email them this post or link to this blog, if you wish. But tell them, please.
The bottom line? It was Greed. Disgusting, inhuman, immoral, dollar-hungry, ugly, monstrous Greed.
That's what helped make my son autistic.
That's what stole from my son his right to be normal.
That's what kidnapped my son from us, and guess what?
We're still paying ransom, up till now.
My relationship with my husband and life-partner O has been crucial to my fingertip-grip on sanity throughout times such as these. As is my relationship with God, Who knows that He also has a special-needs child in ME, and that I depend on Him to teach me, strengthen me and give me hope, just as B relies on us.
At these times, I've learned to force myself to reach out, to tap people who love me on the shoulder and say, "Hey, I'm not doing so okay here, can I borrow your shoulder for a while?" I say force, because it goes against everything inside me to admit that I hurt, that I need, that I rage, that I can't see very far ahead no matter how I try. And autism is a disease that not only affects children or individuals, but their families, as well. Autism isolates. Autism separates. Autism disconnects. There is a silent, impenetrable wall that goes up around a family with ASD from the moment of diagnosis. A wall of fear, of shame, of pain. A wall that needs to be torn down, brick by heavy brick, to free those inside from despair, to free them up to receive love from others, to free them enough to feel for others, as well.
Having learned this the hard way in the past, I had vowed to fight this deadly, isolating wall of silence by building a support group of loving friends around me-- people who don't pretend to know what I'm going through, who don't imagine that they know everything, who don't deluge me with solutions and logic, who don't even try to make me stop crying or hurting, but people who care, who listen, who know that I need to go through this anguish, who know that when the dust clears, I will still be standing. Battle-worn and wounded, perhaps, but on my feet, ready to move, ready to help others just as tired, confused and weary as I am. Take and receive. That's the cycle, that's how it goes.
So, sorry to dash whatever hopes you may have had, but it's not always triumphant, coherent, maturely-processed, inspirational pieces that you're gonna get from me here. I'm human--- only so but fully so--- and many times I need as much help (or more) as I'm typically willing to give in turn. When will people realize that parents of special-needs children have special needs themselves? My life as a special-needs parent is real, it's not all stained glass and roses, with its frequent ups and occasional downs; and when I'm up, I'm up, but when I'm down... well, I'm not gonna lie about it. Especially to myself. I know better than that, I hope.
Finally, what's been causing the crying bouts and earth-shattering tremors in my otherwise-peaceful life? Two letters sum it up: Hg.
Hg, or mercury, and all its compounds are useful but highly toxic to humans. I won't bore you with a lecture on all its uses and its health effects, which you can find in websites such as http://www.greenfacts.org/mercury/mercury-element.htm, anyway.
Last Friday, my younger son E was given chloramphenicol eye ointment for his mercifully-shortlived bout of conjunctivitis. Since eye ointment is infinitely harder to apply on a struggling toddler than eye drops, I asked O to arrange for a repeat prescription with our GP. He brought the eye drops home, but being the scientist that he is (O has a PhD in instrumentation and analytical science), he read the label before we administered it to E. I saw him frown as he read it, and he immediately went online to read medical and scientific journals-- something which, I hasten to add, only one person in this family does, by the way.
And then he turned to me and said, "Let's just use the ointment, luv. For some reason, these eye drops contain phenylmercuric nitrate, which is a toxic compound."
What?!, I exclaimed. What kind of moron puts mercuric compounds in eye drops? Didn't they know that there are gazillions of blood vessels in the eye? Why put toxins in the eyes, from which they get into the bloodstream? Didn't these people watch CSI?, I thought.
"They use them as antiseptics and preservatives for eye drops and other medicines and vaccines," said O, looking worried.
I patted him on the shoulder and said, Good for E, his Tatay is a chemist. Well done! So we kept using the ointment till we could get a mercury-free brand of eye drops, and for me, that was the end of that.
But for O, it wasn't. Something he had read disturbed him. He pored over more medical journals online, and I knew he was onto something. But he never spoke a word.
That Sunday, on our way to Mass, we were talking with a friend about autism, and O sort of let slip that he had come across an online article which linked mercury in childhood vaccines to the growing epidemic of autism and developmental disorders. He had hesitated about telling me sooner, because he was concerned about how it might affect me. And besides, he said, he still needed to read it in more detail, as he had just skimmed through it the first time.
The next day being bank holiday Monday, he had time to do just that. Halfway through the article, he turned to me, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Luv," he said. "I'm angry. I don't know what to do about it, I'm so enraged! Nagngingitngit ako... "
And this is what he told me: That mercuric compounds (also called thimerosals) had been, until a few years ago, widely and generally used as antiseptics/preservatives in vaccines and other medicine, especially (but not limited to) those multi-dose vials. That big US drug companies had labored to cover everything up, despite the fact that mercury had been directly linked to autism, speech delays, ADHD and other developmental disorders. And these pharmaceutical bigwigs decided, simply decided, to keep this vital bit of information from the rest of the world --- doctors, parents, everyone--- for fear of massive lawsuits (which they would most probably lose) and in order to let them dispose of all their mercury-laden stock.
From birth, B had had all his shots given to him on-time, according to the Philippine immunization schedule, which is-- surprise, surprise-- based on the US immunization model. Did we hug him, restrain him and say "it's gonna be okay" with each jab, as the unseen thimerosals built up steadily inside his tiny body? Mercury, like most toxins, bioaccumulate, which means they aren't flushed out of our systems when we ingest them. They just stay there, and build up with each new dose. Did it reach a critical dose, an activation point which tripped B's neurons and brain functions, triggering his autism and all its related dysfunctions? Each individual responds differently to toxins, some are more vulnerable or perhaps genetically predisposed than others. Who knew what the repeated mercury doses could do to trigger B's autism? Who knew that some people were monstrous enough to put toxins in children's vaccines? Don't we all take for granted that immunizations are supposed to make our children healthy, not sick? That what the needle sticks into our children are good stuff, not poison? Don't we trust drug-makers and their ethics, just as we do doctors and nurses? Who knew that this could happen to us and our children?
Let me tell you who knew: THEY did. They knew, and they sat on their hands, waiting for their faulty stock to run out before they did anything about it. They knew, and they phased it out, instead of recalling their products from the market. They knew, and they kept it from us. They knew, and they lied. THEY KNEW.
So now I want to tell anybody who can listen. Those who have babies or young children still in the process of being immunized. Those who know people who do. Those who care about their nephews, nieces, grandchildren or pre-school/grade school students. I want to shout it out, broadcast it, scream it out at the top of my lungs! Because I don't want any other parent to go through what we have gone through, good or bad, in our fight against ASD. Because every child deserves to be protected from selfish, human greed.
I'm not suggesting that we stop having our children immunized, no! That's very irresponsible and very illogical, as humanity would then be wiped out by disease long before autism is finally eradicated from the face of the planet.
What I propose is that, when someone brings their child in for a flu shot or any kind of immunization, any jab, any medication, just politely ask to SEE THE LABEL of the vial containing the drugs/medicine/vaccine and check that it doesn't contain thimerosals, mercuric compounds or merthiolates. And if it does, to request for another brand of the drug/medicine/vaccine, a thimerosal-free one, even if it costs more, even if it is in single dose form.
The Philippines, being a Third World country, is a great candidate for faulty-drug-dumping by sneaky multi-national drug companies, so be wise. Know what's in the bottle before it's jabbed into someone you love. And it goes for all food products or beverages, as well. Check the labels, ask smart questions, think! If they duped a chemist and a chemical engineer into thinking it was safe for their son to be injected with hidden thimerosals which could and did trigger his autism... well, just don't be as stupid and as thoughtless as we were. It would mean more time or even more money shelled out on your part, but it would be totally worth it.
Because it would cost you more in the end, autism. And I'm not talking about the money you spend on doctors and therapists, or developmental toys, tools, books or materials. I'm talking about a child's future. His potential. His parents' heartache and pain.
Tell your spouse, your siblings, your friends about this. Tell them about B. Tell them about thimerosals. Email them this post or link to this blog, if you wish. But tell them, please.
The bottom line? It was Greed. Disgusting, inhuman, immoral, dollar-hungry, ugly, monstrous Greed.
That's what helped make my son autistic.
That's what stole from my son his right to be normal.
That's what kidnapped my son from us, and guess what?
We're still paying ransom, up till now.
03 May 2006
Sorry
Cried half the night, deeply disturbed by these new revelations. Before turning in, I went to B as he slept, and brokenly whispered, "I'm sorry, anak, I'm sorry... You needn't have gone through this, after all... " And then I cried myself to sleep, in deep, torturous pain.
I want to explain, I want to share about this, I want to be sensible and not show everyone what a wreck I am just now... but I'm still too upset to write... I'm sorry.
Maybe tomorrow, I will finally notice how brightly the sun is shining over us all.
I want to explain, I want to share about this, I want to be sensible and not show everyone what a wreck I am just now... but I'm still too upset to write... I'm sorry.
Maybe tomorrow, I will finally notice how brightly the sun is shining over us all.
02 May 2006
Why?
This is probably one of the first questions to cross parents' minds after their child is diagnosed with a pervasive developmental disorder (PDD) like autism, ADHD or Aspergers.
I know it was mine.
Sadly, tragically, this is the one thing no one can tell us. Not yet.
Books and doctors are quick to assure us that PDD is not caused by bad parenting. But apart from that, no one has a clue about what causes it.
For a parent, this is excruciating. To not know what we could have done differently, what we could have done to prevent this from happening to our child, what we could have done to stop it from stealing our children away from us. Or was there no hope from the beginning? Was our child's fate sealed from Day One?
Not that there is any lack of theories out there. Genetics. Toxic materials. Pollution. Fetal brain development. Diet. Vaccines and immunizations. Difficult pregnancies or births. Scientific brains. Having scientists as parents. These have all been linked to autism and/or PDD in general. I've read article after article (even a whole book) on many of these scientific hunches, not knowing what I was looking for. Was I looking for vindication? A chance to lash back at someone for what is happening to my son? Or was I looking for absolution? A way to secretly forgive myself for not being able to protect him from all this?
It's not my fault, I know. But it's never been easy to remember that, especially during the first year after B's diagnosis. Was I to blame? Did I let him down? Could I have prevented this?
And each time there was a new study on the causes of autism, I'd be there, poring through the article, backtracking through related readings, trying to see things through eyes of logic and science while bleeding from an open wound in a parent's heart. It was never easy, this research, this quest to find answers. The legwork itself was not what made it hard. Rather, it was the new arrows that sometimes pierced to the gut with each new read, with each new study, with each new theory. It was rare for me to be able to get through a medical journal or news article about autism without bursting into tears in mid-read.
Thankfully, though, my search for answers was quickly overshadowed by my desire to actively do something for B. The WHY can wait, I said. The WHAT CAN I DO NOW can not.
So my research shifted from autism causes to actual intervention methods, things for both parents and specialists to do. It was a hundred percent shift in my paradigm, this decision to find out WHAT MUST BE DONE NOW rather than WHO DO I BLAME FOR THIS.
And it has yielded results which were even better than we expected; I don't care if medical experts deem my words blasphemous, but I dare to say that our son is recovering, day by glorious day, from ASD. My husband O and I had almost forgotten about our search for the WHY.
Until last Friday. Without looking for it, without seeking it, a fearsome bit of truth came our way. How it came to us was serendipitous-- a blessing from heaven, or just plain luck, I suppose. One of those "bad" things that turn out for good in the end.
It came in the form of this article found on the Web:
http://www.commongroundcommonsense.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=31674
Read it, fellow parents, if you can. Or if you dare. I myself could not bring myself to finish it in one sitting. After several paragraphs, I found myself needing to push myself back from the computer and mentally scream in anger and frustration, like many of the readers who left comments at the end of the piece. If you have a child with ASD or any PDD, or if you know and care about someone who does, read it.
I'm still trying to collect myself right now. My mind is in a whirl. More on this tomorrow.
I know it was mine.
Sadly, tragically, this is the one thing no one can tell us. Not yet.
Books and doctors are quick to assure us that PDD is not caused by bad parenting. But apart from that, no one has a clue about what causes it.
For a parent, this is excruciating. To not know what we could have done differently, what we could have done to prevent this from happening to our child, what we could have done to stop it from stealing our children away from us. Or was there no hope from the beginning? Was our child's fate sealed from Day One?
Not that there is any lack of theories out there. Genetics. Toxic materials. Pollution. Fetal brain development. Diet. Vaccines and immunizations. Difficult pregnancies or births. Scientific brains. Having scientists as parents. These have all been linked to autism and/or PDD in general. I've read article after article (even a whole book) on many of these scientific hunches, not knowing what I was looking for. Was I looking for vindication? A chance to lash back at someone for what is happening to my son? Or was I looking for absolution? A way to secretly forgive myself for not being able to protect him from all this?
It's not my fault, I know. But it's never been easy to remember that, especially during the first year after B's diagnosis. Was I to blame? Did I let him down? Could I have prevented this?
And each time there was a new study on the causes of autism, I'd be there, poring through the article, backtracking through related readings, trying to see things through eyes of logic and science while bleeding from an open wound in a parent's heart. It was never easy, this research, this quest to find answers. The legwork itself was not what made it hard. Rather, it was the new arrows that sometimes pierced to the gut with each new read, with each new study, with each new theory. It was rare for me to be able to get through a medical journal or news article about autism without bursting into tears in mid-read.
Thankfully, though, my search for answers was quickly overshadowed by my desire to actively do something for B. The WHY can wait, I said. The WHAT CAN I DO NOW can not.
So my research shifted from autism causes to actual intervention methods, things for both parents and specialists to do. It was a hundred percent shift in my paradigm, this decision to find out WHAT MUST BE DONE NOW rather than WHO DO I BLAME FOR THIS.
And it has yielded results which were even better than we expected; I don't care if medical experts deem my words blasphemous, but I dare to say that our son is recovering, day by glorious day, from ASD. My husband O and I had almost forgotten about our search for the WHY.
Until last Friday. Without looking for it, without seeking it, a fearsome bit of truth came our way. How it came to us was serendipitous-- a blessing from heaven, or just plain luck, I suppose. One of those "bad" things that turn out for good in the end.
It came in the form of this article found on the Web:
http://www.commongroundcommonsense.org/forums/index.php?showtopic=31674
Read it, fellow parents, if you can. Or if you dare. I myself could not bring myself to finish it in one sitting. After several paragraphs, I found myself needing to push myself back from the computer and mentally scream in anger and frustration, like many of the readers who left comments at the end of the piece. If you have a child with ASD or any PDD, or if you know and care about someone who does, read it.
I'm still trying to collect myself right now. My mind is in a whirl. More on this tomorrow.
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